| attn |
[Nov. 29th, 2009|10:48 am] |
this journal has been moved.
you know where to find me |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 26th, 2009|02:43 pm] |
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i just got to mac, and i have about 20 minutes to finish this post, eat something, and finish my pre-lab work before the students come rushing in at 2:30. right now the office is completely empty, which is rare given there are about 6 grad students who normally inhabit NRB 103. my desk is currently littered with shit that i have to mark before exams start. i'd like to believe that any grad program is composed entirely of research or courses, but i'd say more than 50 percent of the job definitely goes to TA work. i must have spent a solid 5 hours plowing through lab reports last night, and by the end i thought to myself that if i see the words E. coli or serial dilution one more time i'm probably going to go insane. |
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| eye of the tiger |
[Nov. 24th, 2009|07:07 pm] |
i was perusing through my flickr when i came across some photos that i really love, including this one:
it may have already been posted some time in the past but it's probably one of my favourites of matt's cat lena. it's kind of funny cause she was actually very anti social, but for some reason loved the camera.
i feel kind of lame for not printing out photos from any of my trips, and to make matters worse i have all the albums ready to be filled but instead they are collecting dust on my desk.
i spoke with jess today about new things in photography that we were both interested in checking out: lomography, macro, fish eye, or even a holga. i'm super jealous of her and ryan's 1400 dollar wide lense, but i'm in no rush to put together my own set of equipment given how expensive the hobby really is. i figure i could just learn with what i have now and then build upon that once i can afford the good stuff. or maybe i could just spend the next few years working on an exclusive imac photobooth collection until i have my face off with jess haha :D
...
ps. let's go craptors |
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| tim hortons saves the day |
[Nov. 23rd, 2009|10:11 pm] |
i think it's interesting that in almost every situation you find yourself in, there seems to be a song whose lyrics speak directly to what you're going through. i often find solace in the lyrics of a great song, maybe because i realize that whatever it is i am experiencing is understood or felt by someone else.
i spent a good hour and a half at the gym today. came across a few things and people that i thought were a bit strange, including these khaki coloured camouflage flood pants that some asian chic was wearing, one woman doing what looked like 3000 step ups per second, and some other girl with what i'm pretty sure were breast implants. i must have watched her for about 5 minutes, her ipod strapped to a studded belt and shirt so low it distracted the hell out of me. i do admit with some chagrin that i am a people watcher, which may contribute to my interest in going to the gym (along with being healthy and shaking off stress of course, lol).
i decided to take some time off from school this week. i came in early this morning to prep for an experiment that i deliberately planned against my supervisor's advice. by the afternoon i think i discovered that it would be best to just stay home and maybe think it through some more. i personally feel that research is such a tricky subject. i've heard stories of labs that have taken years to establish themselves and even longer to get enough funding for their area of interest. that alone has really pushed me away from the the prospect of pursuing a PhD.
in other news, i've lately become fixated on the topic of honesty.
honesty is probably the most unequivocally difficult and vital thing we can strive for in this life. it's something many people avoid in some attempt to pave an easy path for themselves. but for others honesty is a saving grace. for the longest time i've viewed myself as a person in the latter category. i never really knew anything else besides honesty, which has worked both for and against me. sometimes i'm just too honest despite my best efforts to use a filter. maybe my crude sense of truth is just a byproduct of my belief that life is too short to not be straight up. alternatively, i probably should be more considerate of those situations where honesty is not necessarily the best policy. sometimes the truth is better left unsaid. regardless, letting all the cards out on the table is almost always remedial for me, and i don't think i could ever do otherwise.
A
The last time I held you, it was head to heart
the curtain was drawn, i left you sleeping so sound
If I had known forever after we would stay apart
I would have whispered all the things I can't tell you now
- horizon |
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| twilight |
[Nov. 22nd, 2009|04:02 pm] |
about to have dinner with my family.
i have rachael yamagata to console me as i address a topic that is unnerving.
i decided a letter was best, and as the words flowed out i felt the burden lift from my shoulders.
they are now safely stowed away, free from my mind but kept secret in my heart. |
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| i wish that i could carry her, but this is our ungodly hour |
[Nov. 19th, 2009|01:22 am] |
thursday is approaching and i thought, what better way to welcome the later half of the week than with another entry.
today marked my first exam invigilation as a grad TA.
i must say it was quite interesting being on the other side of the fence this time around, watching the kids as they scratched their heads in confusion, flipped through a large collection of papers, and then leave with a big sigh of relief that seemed all too familiar to me.
it really wasn't that long ago when i was consumed with studying and exams. watching the students tonight was a nostalgic experience to say the least. i think at one point - out of boredom - i almost pictured myself in those chairs, focused on each question so intently as if the world was going to blow up if i didn't get the right answer.
i guess in some way i've developed an appreciation for the amount of work that goes into such a large class - i really didn't think we would survive nearly 400 students tonight lol.
moving on, i realized today that i need a second closet. my current one is literally bursting at the seams from all the clothes i've accumulated in the last few years (okay, months). i either need to figure out something fast or man up and get rid of some of things i don't wear anymore, which i seem to have a lot of trouble doing because i form awkward attachments to clothes as if they're people or something lol. in fact now that i'm on the topic of closet reconfiguration i might as well suggest that i also need an additional shoe closet as well. the other day i had proposed to my father that i move back into my original room upstairs and turn this room into one giant closet containing all my shit. his response was a mix between a scoff and a laugh, which i believe translates into something along the lines of 'that is the stupidest fucking idea i have ever heard'.
the notion of living on my own has become more and more appealing over time. i almost wouldn't care if my entire paycheque went to rent or mortgage, because at this rate i feel like liberation has no price tag. it really is just aimless discussion, but it's forcing me to work hard enough on my masters such that i can finish it in time and start working (aka, start focusing on my ultimate plan to move out)
sandra and i made a pact over msn one random night to move into a place downtown together within 5 years. the stronger my desire to get to that point becomes, the more inclined i am to bring that deadline forward. i think 3 years may be do-able, or even 2. i'm not sure if sandra will comply but i'm sure with enough persuasion i will have my very own pharmacist right next door lol.
i actually sat outside my building on a cold bench for a good 20 minutes earlier today, thinking about my future. the large expanse of nothing that filled my mind as i tried to picture myself in 5 years was slightly frightening. some days i feel like i'm the only person i know without a definite plan. i think i'm avoiding a premeditated post graduate life, but let's face it, your future only looks as good as how you plan it to look years prior. leaving the outcome entirely up to chance and random opportunity is foolish. the good news is once i complete this degree i'll always have it with me, almost like a part of my artillery in the job market war lol (worst analogy ever). so with that i can almost just browse around and see where i fit in best. i keep thinking about booking time with career services just to propose all the ideas i've been brewing in my head and see what kind of advice they can offer me. but for some reason i haven't made that appointment, and i'm hoping it's not because i'm scared to readdress my inability to decide what it is i want to be.
maybe tomorrow morning i'll wake up with a new attitude and decide that starting tomorrow i'm going to put together the pieces that have been in front of me for so long. i need to remind myself that time is certainly not a finite entity, and soon it could very well become my worst enemy when it comes to getting my life in order.
à bientôt,
A |
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| 3 am |
[Nov. 17th, 2009|02:54 am] |
how do you push yourself to a point that is far enough for you to feel safe, but not too far such that you've reached the edge of a terribly deep fall?
where do you draw the line between adventure and danger?
how do you know you've reached a point in your life where it's okay to set yourself free?
often times we will take big steps forward and just as many big steps back, each one bearing its own repercussions
it is how we grapple with each life decision that dictates our strength and ability to adapt
it is how we respond to others' decisions that truly assess the power of our own emotions |
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| a sunday epiphany |
[Nov. 15th, 2009|06:28 pm] |
things about me that i've recently realized:
i enjoy receiving text messages, but i hate sending them.. in fact i think i hate texting altogether
i find sundays very depressing
staying home makes me uncomfortable
i hate myself for not being more spiritual
i am easily the most sentimental person i know
i have music playing almost every second of every day
i firmly believe that life is transient, and every day should be treated like it's the last
i'll sometimes fantasize about the perfect relationship
i am more frugal than i allow myself to believe
the one thing i still can't seem to master is cooking - i'm horrible
my dad is my hero
i'm obsessed with the idea of living in the city
i feel like the only thing that seems to stand in the way of my success, and my ability to believe that i deserve success, is myself |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 11th, 2009|11:15 am] |
wed nov 11, 2009
thought deeply about remembrance day on my 6 am drive to work this morning
currently marking labs - strike is off
i hate ****.
i need a big plate of sushi
that is all. |
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| won't you let me go tonight |
[Nov. 10th, 2009|08:31 pm] |
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today was an amazingly shit day. i drove to school on almost no sleep, which certainly set the tone for what was to come. by afternoon i was so damn frustrated i literally shut off. just, stopped caring. i do that a lot; when something is really getting to me i just stop giving a fuck and make myself fuck off for a little bit. it's a horrible feeling, regret. feeling out of place, neither here nor there, like you made a huge mistake but you're too far in to turn back. instincts and gut feelings are the most important things you are given in this life, i think. if you don't follow either of these you wind up in some dark ditch filled with so much shit you can't even begin to fathom your escape. all i know is i hate being in this place, a place where i am no longer in control, a place so obscure i will never find myself adjusting no matter how hard i try. |
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