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[Jul. 15th, 2011|03:20 am] |
when i catch myself looking through old photos for hours, it's a sure sign that i'm unhappy with the current status of my life. tonight, i feel dead inside, searching, yearning. i'm starting to fear that nothing will ever be good enough, and i will end up in an eternal state of dissatisfaction. maybe some part of me was slowly wasting away like a wicker's flame, lit with all my pain and bitterness, moving closer to darkness.
and so here i am, holding close to memories, wishing i was still the girl in the pictures, or a better version of her. i guess i stopped telling myself that life is a series of events, some more fortunate, more interesting or life-changing than others. i'm just back at the bottom, figuring it all out once more and hating life for putting me here again.
one thing is different - love. love is the only thing that carries me through, and keeps me facing forward into the future. love is really the only opposing force that i can rely on to reach the peak i have been struggling to climb to. it makes this difficult part of life seem less significant, or just another bump in the road of life. |
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| all we ever do is say goodbye |
[Feb. 7th, 2011|01:27 am] |
it's funny how a lack of posting would lead one to believe that there isn't anything really worth writing about, when the truth is there is just so much i want to say and for whatever reason i let time pass without saying it. i'm blogging all the time, in my mind, engaging in some mental process that allows me to document my life and how i'm feeling.
january was a crazy month that came and went in the blink of an eye. i turned 25, completed my master of science degree, flew to mexico, and finally got to see one of my favourite artists live right here in toronto. i used to be an advocate for bucket lists and checking off each ambition or 'must-do' one by one, but now i believe more in just living life and taking advantage of every day you're given on this earth.
i've also made a slow come back at the gym which is nice. the thing about relationships is they make you too comfortable or even lazy, and not just with looks, but with almost everything in life: strengthening other relationships, finding new hobbies, attempting new challenges etc. i want to go back to being the well-balanced girl i was once upon a time. i want to maintain my independence while building a life with my significant other.
i realized recently that i have summoned enough courage to move on from the friendships that i realize have shifted. i learned over time that you can't force something, nor can you fake it. so if something just isn't meant to be it will ultimately pan out as such without much effort from either end - and that's what happened in this case. i also learned that being angry doesn't change the fact, but instead poisons your outlook on relationships and people in general. so instead of holding a grudge i've decided to let go and move on.
i'm happy with where i am right now, happy with my coming of age and self-revelation. i'm proud of my accomplishments over the past year and have made a promise to myself to never let that fire inside of me go out. i used to dismiss the idea that anything is possible if you put your mind to it, but now i know that that notion is one of the truest you will hear in life. i never thought i would reach the end of a journey with so many bumps in the road but alas here i am looking back with a sense of pride and accomplishment. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 13th, 2010|06:38 pm] |
i've been reassessing my life for the past few weeks now, and the verdict of this appraisal leaves me with two main conclusions:
1) i will need to put my career search into overdrive and
2) i have no friends
i'm not sure if i've lost all my friends to the hustle and bustle of life, or if i've just become so different i can no longer reach out the ones who once knew me best
maybe the decrease in interactions with friends is simply an effect of being in a relationship, because soon enough that person becomes your best friend and you confide in them so much you have nothing left to offer anyone else
i think it's a little bit of everything, and that fact alone raises the one question i've been avoiding for so long, how much have i really changed?
i know a few things for certain...i'm more emotional now, more sensitive, more willing to connect with others without much restraint
i'm also realizing what i want in life, what kind of people i want to be around, what things are most important to me
new hobbies also seemed to have replaced old ones, my unbridled search for new music, new cultures to experience, new kinds of people to meet continues to grow. my need for self-understanding continues to burn within me, my desire to be happy always manifesting itself somehow in all the things i do.
i just needed to be disconnected - and school did that to me. i suddenly isolated myself from this big mess of people and things and events that i collectively called life. now i'm just trying to fit back into the world somehow, make enough of an impact that someday i can remembered for something, something good
and in all of this i'm also realizing the ease at which friends can become strangers. someone who once knew your entire soul is now afloat somewhere and your reach has been cut short. maybe i wasn't that important, maybe trying is just too big a task in a world where the internet is so rampant that it has become our only means of communication
if there's anything i've learned it's that those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind - or at least that's how i think it goes...
i know now whose lives i've affected, because i'm still in them - some way or another...just like those who have affected me are still with me...in my mind, in my heart, in the things i say or do. and they know they rest there, deep in me, shedding all their warmth and importance on me everyday |
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| you got game |
[Nov. 4th, 2010|07:12 pm] |
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i was thinking a bit today about all the things i used to do as a teen that i just don't do anymore or wouldn't even consider doing at this point in my life. competitive sports - swimming, basketball, figure skating. aside from the ongoing gym routine, i somewhat lost my atheltic backbone as i got older. i was sitting on the couch, watching sports highlights when i realized that the images of victorious bliss on the faces of atheltes that just won a game or scored a goal were no longer recognizable to me. i forgot what it felt like to work so hard at a sport in hopes that you will one day reap the benefits of those efforts. i guess whatever excess drive that lingered on within me from my younger years is now being channeled into other things: school, work, life. i commend those who are still able to participate in sports because it is an example of dedication, commitment, and the ability to hold on to the inherent competitive nature that we all have within us. i guess i should stop writing (whining) about it and get off my ass and start playing something! i did a little co-ed softball and indoor soccer during school, but i think it's time to consider joining a league, re-igniting my love for sports. |
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| ideas |
[Nov. 1st, 2010|06:53 pm] |
with the completion of my thesis upon me, i can't help but fantasize about what life will be like once this is finally over and done with. jay and i have discussed some ideas of what we would like to do or where we like to go. but the realistic side of me tends to kick in and soon i realize that as he looks for a new job and i sort out my own career options the idea of going away together doesn't seem so likely. so, as always, i try and keep my hopes and expectations separate. regardless, i do intend on flying out to some unkown destination, hoping i will regain my adventerous, youthful side which has been replaced by deadlines and academic priorities.
speaking of life after grad school, i must now re-address what it is i would like to do with my life career wise, the question i've feared for a long time. i'm starting to think that in this fast paced world the notion of incurring a single job prospect is becoming increasingly difficlt, and so i should just see what's out there and test the waters as they say. maybe my calling in life will just come to me without warning, and i'll know that that's what i would like to do for the rest of my life. maybe who i am and the idea of doing one thing forever just don't mix and because of that i'll constantly find myself hopping from one career to the next.
jason once told me that my brain (or the way i think) can be my biggest asset and my worst enemy. i knew we would be good together once he was able to peg me as an over-thinker, and now i really do believe it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 12th, 2010|10:18 pm] |
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no matter how deep or eventful it is, a person's past can be the elephant in the room. although it shouldn't really matter what brought a person to where they are, you can't help but wonder what their life was like before you. on that note, the past you share with someone is also of great importance, and yet we have mastered the ability to mask or ignore that past for the sake of moving on. what would happen if the burden of the truthts and stories that we have left behind were suddenly out in the open again, faced head on, talked about, relived? what about the instances in which something or someone in the past was never fully placed there, but instead hangs out in some kind of mental or emotional purgatory? for some, closure is the ultimate final push, and without it the past simply remains nothing by the elephant in the room. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 28th, 2010|02:56 pm] |
i'm just a bird. a bird trapped in a cage. a bird trapped in a small cage wanting to escape, wanting to see what could be beyond the restraint, beyond the confinement of familiarity.
now or never. |
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| something like it |
[Aug. 18th, 2010|03:35 am] |
i'm not sure if it's the pressure of school, or just the repetitive, mundane nature of my everyday life, but lately i've been in a rut. i feel like nothing really excites me anymore, and there is less and less to look forward to as the weeks roll by. some days i have to work really hard to suppress the burning desire to pack up and and go home, or worse, just quit altogether. the finish line is supposed to be near but why does it feel like i am still miles away? add part time work into the equation and it's just a big frustrating mess. i keep telling myself that i'm just in a phase where hard work, commitment, and determination are absolutely necessary to survive. once the phase is over, i will be able to breathe again, enjoy life again.
thankfully, my relationship with jason has been a beacon of light amidst my struggles. the last few months with him have truly flown by, almost as quickly as the periods of time we spend together on a regular basis. he has helped me maintain whatever shred of sanity i've held on to in the last while. i always knew i was the type of girl whose feelings grew with time, i was just so brainwashed by romantic movies and unrealistic stories of boy meets girl, they each discover they have found their soul mate and, after bouts of trials and tribulations they finally re-unite and spend the rest of their lives together. after going through my fair share of short and long relationships with men, i became quite protective of my heart, my eyes less candy-coated and my desire for something meaningful not as persistent.
but after spending time with jason, i realized how easily the walls can come down.
it's scary how vulnerable you can be even after you have sworn never to let yourself fall at the mercy of love.
you also are reminded of just how difficult relationships are, but the work should always be, and in my case always is, worth it in the end. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 16th, 2010|11:38 pm] |
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do you ever cry yourself to sleep, and wonder just how you managed to get so low? |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 16th, 2010|04:43 pm] |
i'm starting to think that it's the transient friendships that put our lives into perspective and question the validity of who we are.
are these people who they seem to be, or are they along with yourself just experiencing a temporary shift in personality, long enough to satisfy the duration of the friendship?
it's so hard to tell because the truth is we are always changing, our plasticity constantly being tested by external influences. maybe those annoyingly cliche quotes about some people coming and going but true friends always being there are actually the most understated facts of life. people do come and go, some make huge impacts before departing from your existence, while others will simply push or pull you in whichever direction they intend to take you.
maybe every intense relationship needs just as much time apart as it had together. in that time you will then reflect on the importance of this person and the role they play in your life. then you will act accordingly in order to keep them around or at a distance.
or, worst case scenario, you were never really friends to begin with, but two people desperately searching for someone who will get them at that exact moment in their lives - someone who they can reach out and talk to and laugh with and enjoy whatever interests seem meaningful at that time. i guess in some way that could be the best case scenario, because it's like getting all the perks without succumbing to the downfalls of commitment. |
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angelicafaye's journal